So I thought it’d be fun to go out for Valentines Day, I knew if we could avoid a fight that it’d be fun, and since it was free of her yelling at me, screaming, insulting, or just being cranky & rude, it was a super valentines day. And boy is that funny to say, in sad as heck kinda way.  And yes, I snapped a few pictures of all of us, realizing that heck, it was only a week earlier that I discovered she’d called a lawyer to ask some questions that as she said, have nothing to do with divorce and only to do with if she’s allowed to take the kids for a week. . . .what a strange thing to call a lawyer for, especially since I’ve told her dozens of times that I’m fine with her going on some fun adventures with the boys.  So maybe it’s the last picture, maybe not, but it’s definitely a valentines day I want to remember, surprisingly. . . heck, maybe it’s just the picture I enjoyed, but not what it might stand for.

It started out fine; a friendly hello at the door, us all talking about our adventure together, what we did & who we saw, but then 30 minutes later, the lady & lil’ man were upstairs, reading, I realized the clocks in his room weren’t changed, I mentioned it to her, said she had another hour of fun cuddle time & reading if she wanted, she & the lil’r man & he all went back down, continued reading, and a minute later, I shared another thought; thinking to myself that since he was sniffly, “oh, his body probably thinks it’s 12:30, even though the clock says 11:30, so maybe you want to put him down sooner.’ Again, just an idea. Said it with a smile, said it while I was cleaning his room, didn’t bark it, didn’t demand it, didn’t yell it, just did it as a regular-ole passing comment, take it or leave it, which of course she’d do anyway as she always does.  And out of the 5 or 10 possible responses, the one she decided was best & most appropriate direct at me, in front of the boys, was one of those gasps & grunts & gestures & eye rolls, etc. etc. etc.  Might has well have said what she finally said a few minutes later; ‘well why did you say both of those things which were the opposite if you didn’t want me to do this, or do that. . . .” to which I responded that I was just thinking through what I was realizing to her, in real time, as I realized it, not to do anything other than have a quick 2 second conversation about it, or simply let the ideas go out there and have her respond to them as she wished, in whatever way she wished; thinking she’d simply stay in bed reading, or let him go down for his nap early.  But instead she decided that out of all of her possible reactions, she’d show me her annoyance & disapproval, yet again.

I wish I could say it’s because of the lack of sleep; I wish I could say it’s a postpartum thing; I wish I could say it was because she didn’t get to sleep nice & late, or for 100 other reasons, or because I hadn’t just cooked her breakfast for the 500th morning in a row, or because I didn’t just do my 40th 18 hour day at the office, or my umpteenth load of laundry, dishes, etc. etc.  But what can I say, other than the fact that morning, noon or night, baby, no baby, morning sickness, no morning sickness, family coming or family going, her working from home or her not working outside the home, her coming back from downtime with friends or her not seeing friends, it’s the same, same, same constant response that I get about 75% of the time; cranky; snotty, rude & inappropriate.  It’s either a gesture like fuck you, eyes like fuck you, words, um, like fuck you, screaming like fuck you, or in this case, one of the best case scenarios, all I got was a snotty gesture, snort & look, which clearly after 5 years, I’ve grown more & more uncomfortable with.  And it terrifies me what the boys will learn; all of this passive/aggressive crap, the screaming she does, the yelling she does, the hitting she does, the cursing she does, or in the least, the snotty tones & looks & gestures she does.

I wish that my first blog were about something more lovely; At least though a lovely day, followed by a not-so-lovely afternoon;  All I know is that I can’t wait to cook a fun dinner, hopefully she’ll be upstairs resting with the new lil’r man, and the lil’ man & I can be downstairs cooking & talking & telling stories. . . .it’s so warm out too, which is super, super nice. Maybe we’ll even hit the park again in a few, if the snot isn’t snotting & the sniffle isn’t sniffling.